The New Sense

Monday, May 06, 2002

I managed to convince him that he doesn't need to go to Concordia to do his research. As far as I know, all he did all day was look stuff up on the internet, which is fine, now I've got the hi-speed connection, but what's weird is that when I went into my History file just now to find that Sarah Slean site there was nothing under the Today section. So he either didn't spend a minute on the net or he erased his part of the History file.
He's out right now with his friend again, but I'm going to ask him about it when he gets back. I hope it doesn't cause a problem. It's reasonable, isn't it?
Shit! That didn't go too well. It's two hours later now. He's left again, pissed off. Fuck! I was probably a bit too pushy. Here's how it went:
"It's weird, I noticed that you didn't do any research today."
"Sure I did."
"But the History file was empty."
"What? You checked that?"
"No — I just noticed it when I opened it for something."
"Are you sure you're not checking on me?"
"Yes!"
"Cos if you are, I'm out of here. I'm not kidding."
"No, really! I really wasn't. But why are you being so secretive?"
"Why do you think? I've got a secret."
"But you can trust me."
"Listen, someone I've known for years just betrayed me, so how can I trust you?"
"I'm sorry, B—. I really wasn't checking on you."
"Okay, fine. I'll be back later."
And that was it — he left. He said he'd be back but now I'm getting all paranoid. Have I fucked it all up? I'm thinking about what I said to him. It's not that bad, but I guess he must have been really freaked out by whatever this betrayal was. He's not the melodramatic type, so it must be something real. Something personal. What the heck can it be? And why can't I help wondering?
Should I be worried? Scared? Is it too late to get out of this relationship? Do I want to? What's going on in my life anyway? I work in a bar 10-8, Monday to Friday and have no idea when I'll ever be doing anything else. So what have I got to lose?

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posted by Sara