The New Sense

Thursday, May 23, 2002

Spoke to mom for the first time in two weeks and realised (she realised it for me) that I missed Mother's Day. And, ironically, there's always something or other which reminds me when it's Father's Day every year. Jesus fucking Christ did she lay it on thick. I guess I'm a bad daughter.
"You'd think I was in Timbuktu, the amount of times you call me. And don't tell me you're too busy — you work in a bar. No-one who works in a bar is too busy to call their mother once in a while."
"You're right, mom. Sorry."
"You'll see what it's like one day when you have children. Mark my words, young lady, you'll see."
"You're right, mom. It's not an excuse, but I just started going out with a really nice guy."
"What does he do?"
Shit. That's that.
"He's a photographer."
"For a newspaper?"
"Um, no…"
"Advertising?"
"No."
"He's not a pornographic photographer, is he?"
"NO! He's an artistic photographer."
"He takes porno pictures."
"No, he doesn't! He's very sensitive."
"That never lasts. Anyway, I'm not going to waste my time judging you and your choices."
Oh, thanks for not judging me, mom. "I'll come and see you soon."
"Of course. Are you going to bring him?"
"Um…I don't know."
"Well, if he's so sensitive, I'd love to meet him."
What can I do? If I don't take him to meet her, she'll start worrying. If I do, she'll start worrying. Poor B—. I'll try and put it off a bit longer.
She seems happy. I wish I was the cause of some of her happiness. But I know I'm not. She's happy just being. She's happy with her guy out there in the middle of nowhere. He seems great. The problem is, now she only has me to worry about. She used to be able to worry about her marriage and now it's over, and her life is going fine, she's switched her attention to me. She's no longer stagnating (or maybe she is, but she's stagnating in a better pond), and I've started to stagnate. I guess it's true, too. However, I don't want her life. Everything planned. Everything normal. Look what it gets you — you end up having to live someone else's life finally anyway.
How strange is that? To live your life really solidly; you're consistent in everything you do, everything is stable, then suddenly it's turned upside down and you end up living a different life six months later. Like aliens have whisked you away and dropped you into a parallel universe. Will it ever be like that for my generation, or will we never have the stability to lose in the first place?

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posted by Sara